I guess this year has been a bit of a growing opportunity for me. I have been in a pretty big state of apathy as far as my faith has gone. Not to say that I don't care at all, or that I have joined a satanic cult or anything (I've heard the rumors...), but I just haven't really cared much for praying or reading the Bible. I think a lot of it has to do with rejection that I have received in this last year. As some of you know, I ran for my class's class chaplain in the fall, and just recently ran for freshman class sponsor here at Asbury. I did not receive either position, and to make it slightly worse for me I lost to the same person for both. Needless to say, I was a little bitter, especially after the second defeat. I felt, I don't know, maybe a little entitled to both positions. I felt like I was the best person for the job (which I should if I'm running for it), but I felt that I was superior in a way, and I forgot why I was running for both. To start out with, I just wanted to glorify God through it, but with my recent apathetic spell I just wanted the power and notoriety (that may be a poor choice in diction, but I think it applies here). Basically, I had given up all thought of God, if I am honest, and just wanted it to do it. Not that I didn't have other good intentions, but not the right ones.
Well, I lost...twice. It was really hard for me, and I felt like a complete and total loser. I felt like I had nothing to give to the world, and that there was no place for me on earth. I wasn't really doing the God thing, so I didn't have that to fall back on either. But it hit me the other day that this was really a blessing. This whole year has been pretty much terrible for me as far as my emotional state goes. I haven't had a lot of friends, and I've dealt with a lot of rejection and jealousy. But in the end, I think God was letting me go through it. He let me walk through the fire to remind me of how great he is. I'm still not surrendered to God, and it honestly may be a while before I am, but I recognize that I need him and I need a change. Desperately. Like, I don't really like who I am without God. I am needy, bitter, jealous, petty, and a lot of other unattractive adjectives all wrapped up into one sad little man. But I see a lot of hope in God. He has never abandoned me, and after every defeat he gave me something else to strive for, to hope for.
It was in the middle of the agony of my most recent defeat that I had a moment of clarity. I may not be perfect, and in fact I am decidedly not so. But God is, and he has a plan. I felt moved to run for class chaplain again, and I am currently running unopposed (so it is likely to happen). I didn't actually want the position, but I felt led to it. I think that is the best way to approach something with humility. You don't approach it out of a vain earthly desire, but from a desire instilled from heaven. It's better, this way I know that I am not doing something to make me look good, but God. I still desire the position, but not for myself. This way, rejection is a lot easier to take, because I know it's just an opportunity for something else to occur. I want to let others know that it is ok to hurt, and to be angry with God. We all hurt, but we need to deal with it. I am in the middle of healing and dealing right now, and it's hard. I still struggle with being apathetic, and I desperately need your prayers to help me through this time. However, I know that it will be ok. God will lead me through, and it will be better that way. It won't be easy, and I will be rejected again, but He will guide me and hold my wriggling hand no matter what. I love Him for that. I am broken, just hoping for a little glue to come my way. My scars will show, but they'll mend and make me stronger for it. Thank you Jesus for that. Pray for me, and watch me grow (at least I hope). Thanks for reading this.
David
