Expectations...

So it's about ten days until I leave for Ukraine, and it's a little hard for me to believe at this point. My classes are over (finally), and as those of you know who read this blog I've had a pretty tough semester, so I am glad for that. It just seems right now that I'm floating through life.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately, which as I write this seems to have a metaphor for a lot of areas of my life. Not only am I literally not sleeping well (except for last night, as I slept from 12:30 to 3 pm this afternoon, I haven't been feeling well lately) but my heart has been a little discontent. As I have written before, I've had a lot of apathy in my heart lately. It stems from a lot of sources, which I won't get into for many reasons, but it's there all the same. I can't really remember the last time I really read my Bible, and not just to make myself feel better for being able to say that I did it. I haven't been praying much, and to be honest I haven't really cared. I've been feeling a lot lately that the world has been ganging up on me (a teenage sentiment, I know) and throwing everything that could possibly go wrong at me around the same time. I lost two positions I wanted, lots of things have been going wrong in my family as a whole, my grandmother is pretty sick, both my roommates dumped me (which I will not get into because I haven't fully dealt with it myself), I've had a hard time in one of my classes (I got my first B this semester, which I know isn't horrible by any means, but it still doesn't make me happy), and I've been having a hard time getting money together for the internship that I have to do to graduate. Needless to say, I've had a lot on my mind over the past few months. I've been saying that the universe hates me (which sounds oddly humanistic to me), and it doesn't really sound like me.

I'm not entirely sure where this apathy stems from, but it's aggravating me. I've developed some serious hatred in my heart towards God, other people, and especially myself. There are times where I can't go to sleep at night because I'm focusing so much on the reasons why people don't like me. Sad, I know. I try to tell myself that I need to just get over it all (as that is just the way I've been raised, and what I believe in general as most of these issues aren't that important). But it's hard. Even if these issues are small, they are important to me. Is it hypocritical to want to help save the invisible children, and yet feel more concerned about the grades I receive. Is it that selfish? I've come to realize lately that it's ok for me to be concerned for myself, to let my emotions out.

Someone recently told me that she didn't think I responded to anything with emotions. While she was joking, it struck a nerve with me. I'm an INFJ on the Myers-Briggs type indicator test. That means that I'm a confusing mixture if introverted judging (I look logically at the world), and a feeling person (I also rely on my feelings). This type is very hard to get to know, and doesn't reveal his/her true thoughts very often. But they have them, and they think about them often. This is so true of me. I find that I don't have a lot of friends, and that some of those who I thought were my good friends were merely just close in approximation. It's hard for me to be real with people, as I don't feel people would understand me. It's like my generation, we can reveal our deepest, darkest secrets on online blogs like these because they're not real. This blog is not a person, it can't judge me, and any comments people make on here don't directly affect me. It's easier to cope when you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself.

But I don't want that. I want to feel. It was about a month ago that I said to a friend that I didn't want to feel anymore, because it hurt too much when those hopes were dashed from caring too much. But feeling is what makes us intrinsicly human. There isn't anyone out there who doesn't feel, doesn't smile, doesn't hurt. The thing is trying to get through that without breaking down. I've been close to breaking down for a while now, and I really think it's because of my lack of dependance on God. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm all of a sudden so super close to God that I can even presume to know what he wants for me, because I don't. However, I've realized that there is something missing that I had before, and I need to find it again. Please help me to find this by praying for me. I mean it, I need your prayers. Ukraine is coming up in 10 days... and I'm not prepared emotionally or spiritually. I've been hurt, but I know I can find healing, I just need to ask for it. I'm broken, but not beyond repair. And I so need repair.

I titled this blog expectations...and it seems fitting. I meant to talk about my expectations for Ukraine, but I need spiritual expectations. I expect to find God, to commune with him, and to be real. I've been faking it for so long, that I'm not sure I can have real emotions. But I want to find out. I desire so desperately to have real meaning and purpose, and I'm going to look. Pray that I'll find it.